A man walks into a bar, what does he say?
"Ouch" it was an iron bar...

Failed a health and safety exam today, "What steps would you take in case of fire?"
Apparently "Fucking huge ones" was incorrect...

Blonde and a Brunette are watching the news and a guy is on a bridge threatening to commit suicide, the brunette was only in from work and it was the 1:00 news update. "Bet you 20€ he won't do it" the blonde says, the brunette agrees and they shake on it. The man falls to his death after jumping. "what possessed you to make such a random bet?" the brunette asks, "Well I saw him to it on the 11:00 news update when you were in work and I didn't think he'd do it again today.."

Tried this trick on an English girl and she slapped me, we were going out at the time, tried it on an Irish girl the other night at a party whom I'm not going out with and got a cuddle in response,
"If you were a pirate, would you have your parrot on this shoulder (tap her nearest shoulder) or this one?" (tap her far shoulder and leave your hand there) the slap got me laughed at XD funny either way!

I'm not buying cheap beds again, they break too often.


You just can't re-lie on 'em!


I watch pom.
You misread that, didn't you.


Lescott is to be the driving force in the England defence.
I'm not surprised with half a dashboard in his head.


In 1935, Iceland became the first country to legalise abortion.
That's why mums go to Iceland.


Women are like bowling balls.


Not only do they have three holes, but they do the exact opposite of what you want them to.


On the 13th second of the 13th minute of the 13 hour of the 13 day of the 13 month I realised my lidl calender was shit.

I accidentally broke a sewer pipe at a football match.
The shit's hit the fans.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66cxc9em ... ata_player

NO OFFENCE TO ANY PARTIES I TOOK THE PISS OUT OF!

you mentioned you was irish sax... so just for genuinity...

Paddy and Murphey are working on a builders site when the foreman says "i'd like you to go down to the high street and measure the height of a lampost for me"

Delighted they had finally been given a trustworthy job Paddy and Murphey trot along down to the highstreet with nothing in mind other than getting the job done.

Once they reach the closest Lampost on the High Street they stand there pondering for a good half hour at least until Paddy turns to Murphey and says "How t'hell we gonna get to tha top'o that lampost t'ah measure it?" Murphey replies "Haven't teh foggiest"

While Paddy and Murphey are stood there scratching there heads a Blonde approaches politely saying "ya need some help der boys?" and without an answer she takes a handytool from inside her bag, unscrews the bolts at the bottom of the lampost, lays it down, measures it with her tapemeasure and gives them the measurements, looking very smug she walks off saying "catch you later boys."

Paddy then turns to Murphey and says "Y'see Murphey, There goes a dumb blonde..." to which Murphey replies "how'd you work that out then Paddy?" Paddy:"we wanted the HEIGHT of the post not the bloody length."

And thats about the best my irish jokes get

Paddy and mick are walking down teh street, when all of a sudden paddy falls down a hole !

Mick says "F*kk*n ell ! Is it dark down there ?"

Paddy says "I don't know i can't see ! "

Paddy & Mick are reading headstones in a graveyard
Mick shouts "Bugger me there's one here 152..."
Paddy says "Whats his name?"
Mick replies "Miles from London"

Paddy is off on holiday and asks his friend Mick if he wants some fags bringing back. "Yes please" says Mick "I'll have 200 Benson & hedges".

Paddy returns from his hols and hands Mick the fags he asked for "Oh cheers Paddy, how much do I owe yer?" "58 quid" Paddy replies... "F*ckin ell, where did you go?" asks Mick ...."Butlins!"

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.'

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'you b*stard!'

The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.'

Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You Fu*king b*stard!!!'

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?'

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'for fifteen years I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have one!'









sorry sax, i just had to google for a website with paddy n mick jokes lol

LOL AT EACH OF THEM!

Paddy falls down a hole and breaks his ankle, he shouts "Murphey, quick call me an ambulance"

Murphey replies "dont know how it will help but... Paddy is an ambulance!"

Why have i just posted this again?

Paddy and Murphy were flying Paddy's plane back to Dublin and lined up for landing.

Paddy says: 'Bejesus this runway looks short'
Murphy says: 'Your tellin me but have you seen how f***ing wide it is!'

Ahahaha plenty of paddy Irishman jokes, can't think of any off the top of my head