lol such a cheesy joke

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around".

A robot walks into a bar and says the the barman " I'd like a pint of Guinness". The barman replies "We don't serve your kind". the robot gets up to leave and say "You will one day!"


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Did you hear about the sewer worker who found a tin whistle at work : he took it home and blew the shit out of it.

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Did you hear about the mathematician who had constipation: he worked it out with a pensil.

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The day Hitler died he thought he'd chance his arm and headed for heaven. Jesus was on the gates that day so Hitler approached him saying "Hi Jesus I'd like to get into heaven". Jesus bursts out laughing and said " After the shit you just pulled down there you expect me to let you in". "But I have a present for you" replied Hitler. With a sceptical look Jesus said "Oh really what is it?". Hitler replied "A life size 24 carat gold cross". Jesus looking interested replied "hold on and let me talk to Dad. He calls God and says " Da I've got Hitler here at the gates he wants to come in". "What after all the millions of innocent lives he's taken, No way!" God responded. "But Da", Jesus said "he's got a present for me". "Oh yeah", God replied "what is it?". "It's a life size 24 carat gold cross" Jesus said. God replied " Oh would you ever fuck off you couldn't even carry the wooden one I gave you!"

The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow .

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Govan and Possilpark areas of Glasgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Govan & Possilpark pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of WKD Irn Bru, a kilo of speed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton’s bird in the shower.

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting.

At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

Merv got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.

He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears."

Merv again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules
from the male side. These are our rules:-

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change
that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be. and yes counterstrike is a sport

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!!

already have an education thanks but this was really funny

so true!

funny thing was my wife passed that on to me, she does have a great sense of humour tho she went a bit quiet when i pinned a copy of it on the fridge

First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white
sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, 'In
Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as
a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back
the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it
and stuck his finger in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention.
Life's tough...... it's even tougher if you're stupid.'